Rae Roy

The drive to North Bay was pretty smooth until I was 30 minutes away and ran out of windshield washer fluid. That was the first time that ever happened to me. Luckily, about 10-15 minutes later, there was one last gas station where I could fix that. Since it's my busy season, I worked the mornings and took the afternoons and evenings to spend with family and friends. My brother stopped by with a special gift, a new ornament for the tree. My mom loved ceramic Christmas trees, so it's a perfect way to keep her with us at Christmas. His friend, Fawn, helped him get it made. She has a YouTube channel you can check out here: https://youtube.com/@thethriftyfawn After that, I visited friends in the slightly rural part of Callander, Ontario. We were having a lovely time catching up and then the evening had a surprise in store. Someone in the area had hit a small deer with their vehicle. My friend's dad skinned and gutted it in around -20C (due to the windchill) weather.

I finally learned to crochet and I have mixed feelings about it. My first two crochet projects: A basic square and a Woobles mini briefcase. Durability It's interesting because it allows for a thicker product made faster than double knitting. And thicker means sturdier, which is excellent for things like toys or objects. The difference in thickness seems to be because of working with each stitch more than once or at least that is how it feels in comparison to knitting. Counting I rarely have to count beyond cast on with knitting unless I need to do a decrease or increase somewhere. I don't mean the basic counting like knit one, purl one. I mean, counting the whole row out to be sure I still have the number of stitches I started with. I've literally never needed a stitch counter in the 15 or so years I've been knitting.  Crochet, though? I regularly feel like I'm going to lose my shit due to the constant need to count. Even with all the counting, somehow,

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay There are many days I think I haven't achieved nearly enough with my writing or that I feel behind in life. What I've realized is that sometimes I'm too hard on myself. When I look at the past decade, and shortly before it, I've been through a lot. There was a miscarriage in 2011.  In 2012, my workplace was divested, my marriage ended, and I somehow managed to get my blue belt in karate.  2013 came and I moved 4 times. The first move was out of the marital home. The second was to Ottawa. The third to a temporary place while I waited for my condo keys. I did all of that while playing roller derby and studying iaido. Then 2014 brought with it my roller derby team winning the championships, but I got injured and had to do a lot of rehab on herniated discs in my neck.  In 2015, I woke up with crippling pain in my ankles and was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome. In 2016, I won a couple of bronze medals in iaido, the sword-based martial

Image by Muhnaufals on Pixabay Due to the following spammer, I've disabled comments on my blog as I'm way too busy for nonsense.  If you want to reach out to me, I encourage you to contact me through my contact form or via my social media accounts or to comment where I share my blog posts, namely on my Facebook account or through Goodreads. I'm currently most active on Instagram and Facebook. Google, please let people block individual problem people on our blogs. Ayesha please get a new hobby.  https://www.blogger.com/profile/15486878100637374184 I suppose I now have one less thing I need to moderate.

I could finally order the musical equipment that I've been wanting, so I'm very excited to get using it. I retrieved it today from the post office. This took two trips as it came in two packages despite being ordered together as one bundle. Sometimes the world really doesn't make sense to me. YOU CAN'T CALL IT A BUNDLE IF IT'S NOT BUNDLED!!! We've entered the time of year where I try not to ship a lot directly to my home because people in my building steal things leading up to Christmas. I don't know if this is out of desperation to provide gifts they can't actually afford to buy or if they just don't want to spend money or if there's some other reason, but it's not cool at all. I have a rug coming to make my office, which is also my streaming and music space, cozier and to have the floor itself appear distinctly separate from the rest of my condo. After seeing a comment on a friend's Facebook post, I thought it might be neat to share whe

Image by Victoria rt on Pixabay   A decade ago, I made the decision to end my marriage. Increasingly, over the time we were together, he grew less kind and being in the relationship was destroying me as a person. Gaslighting was something that I only fully understood once a certain US President was in office, so I didn't have the words I needed at the time to describe what I was going through.  I tried asking him to be kinder on many occasions. He was dismissive and argumentative. Once my voice failed me, I wrote letters. He'd read them and dismiss my concerns.  It's not that there weren't good times. There absolutely were. But those happened less and less frequently. As one might expect, I wasn't exactly in the mood to be intimate often given how I was usually feeling. To compound things, I hadn't realized I was gay yet and I wasn't over the miscarriage I had had the previous year. By the time I chose to leave, we had tried counseling, which he gave up on

I had a lot of things happen in October. I watched Frankenstein in the cemetery with friends. I had tea with a friend. I started a new sport: curling. This is really fun and I'm enjoying the level of activity it provides and all the strategic elements. I'll do a separate post on it soon. Unfortunately, soon after my first game, I came down with Covid and so did the friend who I had tea with, so I think we both caught it at the place we went to. That wasn't fun. I already posted about that. I was fortunate to be free of it in time to attend Can-Con where I took in lots of panels, saw some of the wonderful writer community, bought many new books, and volunteered to help out in the rooms. The following weekend, I went to the livestream for Danielle Allard's new album release, followed by the in person release. As part of this, she has a 6 video series that releases every Sunday on her YouTube at 1:15 PM EDT. Video number 2, Falling Into Place, is one that I feel fortunate

Album art by greyschale Twitch streamer and Ottawa-based international singer-songwriter, Danielle Allard, just dropped her new album Invader . In July, I was fortunate enough that I got to participate in the filming for one of the companion music videos. I had to drink and have a good time at a bar for that. Not just any bar, but one that has been a home to many local musicians: Live on Elgin. Below are my thoughts on the major album tracks. I strongly recommend listening to any music with a good set of headphones because speakers miss many of the subtleties that bring a richness and depth to the listener end. They don't even have to be the highest end headphones to transform your listening experience. I have some Sennheiser HD201s that I think I bought for around $69 about a decade ago that completely rock my world and have an added benefit of weighing only about 165g, which is important when you've had the kind of neck injury that I have had. Please note, as part of her comm

Saturday was packed full of panels and visits to the Dealer's Room to buy books and see friends who had tables. After attending Can-Con , I feel like there is so much I want and need to fix with my novel before it goes out. But now I have a good idea what's wrong and what I want to do to fix it. I'm so thankful we could have Can-Con this year!  Here is a list of all of the panels I attended throughout the convention and the panelists who spoke: Friday, October 14th 1. Making the Most Out of Short-Term Travel - Christian Baines - Kofi Oduro - Melissa Yuan-Innes - Kelly Robson 2. Jumping Into Volcanoes and Other Insane Ways to Write What You Know - Mark Robinson 3. Writing What Scares You - Christian Baines - Megan M. Davies-Ostrom - Matt Moore - Nina Nesseth Saturday, October 15th 1. What Are We Writing For? - Brandon Crilly - Suzan Palumbo - Arley Sorg - Sienna Tristen 2. Life Beyond Us: Exploring Astrobiology with Science Fiction - Julie E. Czernada - Eric Choi - Rich Lars

I had a different post planned, but then I got Covid and got preoccupied dealing with all that brought. Sorry for disappearing. The scariest thing about having Covid was that it's new. It doesn't progress the way other illnesses have for me. Usually they gradually get worse until they peak and then they gradually get better. I had days that felt like no change happened and ones where I would get a new symptom like a severe headache that felt just like the neck pain I occasionally get ever since I hurt myself playing roller derby. And a problematic thing for someone with Sjogren's Syndrome is that it can be hard to tell if I'm actually fevered or my body is just having a moment where it thinks it is. I can usually figure it out if I'm having the other fever symptoms like the chapped lips at least. Luckily, I recovered just in time to attend Can-Con 2022. But Covid is one hell of a thing and I have some lingering symptoms like a dry cough and erratic energy levels. My

I keep running into queer people who worry about how the queer community will look at them. They worry they aren't queer enough and I think they need to stop doing that to themselves. It doesn't matter if you're currently in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. If you are attracted to the same sex or those who fall in between, you're queer. If you're non binary and bisexual, you're queer. Yes, even if you look like a straight, white, male. If you're trans and in a hetero presenting relationship, you're queer. Sexual orientation is about sexual attraction. You can absolutely love someone who doesn't match your orientation. You might even enjoy sex with them. Yeah, you may get less hostility in a straight-passing relationship, but you'll trade that for different relationship challenges. Pride is about love. There isn't someone running around with a clipboard, a measuring device, or checking your naughty bits to determine your level

Now that I'm more removed from it, I can talk a little more about the phenomena that is losing a parent. It's an odd experience that hits in many ways and it affects those around you in various ways as well. Friends who had been through it were either giving me a knowing look, a hug, or offering to be there if I needed anything. Some people were rather intrigued in a way because they couldn't conceptualize what it would be like. Some were so close with their own mothers that they couldn't be around me too much because they didn't want to think about the possibility of it happening to them. And some were going through it soon after, so we could attempt to help each other through some of the tough moments. Some of my friends reached out to reconnect with their own mothers after I lost mine. Even if they had horrendous upbringings involving things like drug addiction or alcoholism. Losing a parent is hard. Some people accept it more easily than others. I know someone w

Some days I wonder why I try anything at all. So many of my days are a struggle to do things that I think shouldn't be difficult. I got a little cart on the weekend and some storage bins to get items that I need to keep off of the floor. The design to put the cart together was ridiculous, so I kept having to flip it around to make it happen. And during that, my glass of lemonade fell and broke, because I really needed that on top of the rest. There are days I feel like there is far too much bullshit in my day-to-day and I'm so sick from fighting to get back what I've lost. And most of the time I let this all roll over my shoulders without too much fuss, but on Sunday I was just feeling really fucking done with the stupidity of it all. Despite all of that, I had an OK week. I relaunched my Twitch after rebranding to match my website. My overlay is now a cute pastel goth design, which I love. I finished watching Orange is the New Black. I moved closer to having a reading nook

... has almost nothing to do with creating. It's all the basic life skills and activities like food. Seriously. Remembering to eat when you're in the zone is nigh impossible. And when you come out of the zone, you're dizzy and starving, which isn't the best state to be in when trying to cook a healthy meal. Usually, I can cobble something together from whatever is around the condo anyway, but sometimes it's a mishmash. Saturday was leftover turkey meatballs, frozen corn, eggs, some bell pepper, and diet pepsi. I was just about in dire need of groceries though. But this happens with most chores and me. Creating takes a lot of energy and with no one to help split up the workload at home, I'm nearly always behind. So far behind that I wonder whether or not I'll ever catch up enough to want another human to even see my home. It doesn't help that I'm a spoonie or that I grew up with a mom who often avoided chores by escaping into a romance novel or a tele

They've done a number of things in Lost Ark that have made the game not fun for me to play anymore. I reached a point where I couldn't progress in the quest lines without having gold coins that pretty much need to be purchased with real money. Another issue for me was reaching a decently high level alone to be suddenly forced into grouping with other people in order to progress. I'm not into raiding and shit like that these days, so this also pissed me off. They also forced a respec on me and I was quite happy with how I had been specced, so the last thing I wanted to deal with was a surprise respec, which made it so I could do pretty much nothing on stream. So I've reclaimed nearly 80GB of space on my computer that I can use for several other games that I've been wanting to get to. Which brings me to my next large game. Assuming I can add it to OBS Studio without issues, I'm going to play A Plague Tale: Innocence. Depending on how much I enjoy it, I may actuall

There is some disagreement online about whether or not September is fall or summer because technically the Autumnal Equinox is two-thirds of the way through the month and not at the beginning. Here's the thing though, it's cooling down rapidly up here on the 49th parallel. We're having many days of fall-like weather with the odd summer-like day in between.  Really, September is the transition between summer and fall, so if people want to get into their pumpkin spice and spooky decor early, I don't see the fuss. How about we let people love the things they love? I've always enjoyed this time of the year. I find summer is often too warm to focus on goals. As such, I spend it enjoying patio weather and drinks with friends because anything else has me constantly searching for a place to keep cool. But September? This is the time of year for cuddles, scary movies*, harvests, and renewal. Also, the bugs and pollen are largely going away, so for people like me who suffer a

I'm so very glad that I booked the day after Pride off. I was feeling quite rough after the lack of sleep in the days preceding. One lesson I learned was not to get drunk the day before. That may be easier said than done as I wanted to celebrate with a friend who is also 2SLGBTQI+. I've used this short form as apparently this is the new inclusive acronym going forward in Canada. I'm not sure who worked on this, but they seem to have forgotten about all those on the asexual spectrum. I guess they get to be in the +? I didn't drink much the evening of Pride after starting the day out a bit dehydrated. Also, I wanted to be able to get moving on my goals on my day off, which included cleaning in my condo and putting together my rowing machine. Unboxing was easy, but then it looked like the following and I needed to wake up a bit more before figuring out what to do next with it. Thankfully, it was Danielle Allard's birthday stream on Twitch, so I could enjoy

Overall, Pride was fantastic. On Friday, I found out this woman I've had a crush on for months now is gay too! And of course I'm silly and didn't ask her out because she was at work... I have some friends who are very serious about their work/home life separation, so that was part of why. Maybe there was a little voice in my head reminding me that it doesn't mean she's into me. Thanks little voice. Saturday brought my first ever live drag show. There were some acts with a lot of production value. They were doing things one might see at a pop concert. One of my favourites was Pythia, who did this three-breasted alien bit. There was another who did this puppet breaking away from its strings story, which I also thoroughly enjoyed. Ben Dover had some really hot back up dancers. One of my lingering questions is, "What workout program do drag queens do?" Because damn they were fit! There were parts on Sunday that weren't fun, like the standing around and wai

I'm really amped up this week. It's Pride Week in Ottawa! On Monday, I went to see But I'm A Cheerleader with a friend and it was an excellent way to begin Pride Week. It's a campy film about conversion therapy, which has RuPaul in the cast.  Tuesday was partially spent on ironing/steaming flags for Pride. I'm not done with that and will be continuing tonight after I get some groceries.  I've also been getting back into planning. I realized I stopped partly because my little Clever Fox wasn't really fitting my needs anymore. For 2023, I'll be going back to my A5 and I'm setting it up differently than I have in the past. I'm working with a friend who is setting up an Etsy for planner sheets. It's going to have daily sheets, which are on order and should be arriving on September 1st. I also got the monthly Filofax for 2023, which will be coming on the weekend. Also coming on the weekend are blank sheets for drawing. I've been carrying arou

When you read, do you say the words in your head? I do. And I never knew that a lot of people don't. I don't understand how to read without subvocalizing.  Anyway, if you didn't know that, you do now. I walked a lot while I was on vacation except for those couple days it poured. On Thursday, my scooter's front wheel caught on something and sent me for a tumble. I came out of that with mildly scraped palms, a slightly scraped calve, and a very sore left thumb. I cleaned and bandaged my wounds and then wrapped my left hand in a tensor bandage. It wasn't until today that the base of my thumb showed a bruise. I canceled plans on Saturday because I was too sore to consider dancing. I've started getting items up on Marketplace, starting with my old dishwasher. I'm putting the cash towards a rowing machine Instead of LotR, I'm doing a short challenge: The Inca Road. I think LotR will be a fall thing. One thing I really like about these challenges is that they g

I realized I didn't really want to come out to my dad. But I was pretty sure I hinted adequately with my rainbow items that I know he noticed, but didn't say anything about. He's silent generation, so they're good at not saying anything or downplaying things. Like he'll say something is, "not bad," while his expression and body language say it's really damn good. He did that very thing when I played Danielle Allard singing Jolene . He's listened to Dolly Parton for many decades and has always enjoyed music. Instead, I decided to just focus on spending time with him. I helped him with things around the house like repairing the internet and TV cable. He had sawed through it with a sawsall. It had been out since May. He was getting tired of what my eldest brother was choosing for them to watch. We also replaced a bunch of window coverings. My old room included.  Anyway, I did those things because I could and later I thought they were actio

I'm on a much needed vacation. And I decided to reduce my technology use during it to really unwind. It's my brother's birthday week and he wanted me to come visit. Image by depaulus on Pixabay The only stress I have is that I haven't come out to my father yet as I'm worried how he'll react. He grew up in Catholicism in Northern Quebec in a tiny place that had about as many people as my high school did. He has occasionally said some  homophobic things in the past. One of my friends asked me awhile ago why I even feel the need to tell him about this part of myself and it's partly a yearning for him to know me better. It's also because one day I expect to have a woman in my life that I'll want to introduce to my family. I'd rather not wait until then because I don't want that hanging over the relationship. I don't think it's fair to the person. I also feel like I lost that chance with mom and don't want to lose it with dad too. Part

I've been meaning to post for awhile, but I was sick for a bit and the fatigue was quite unbearable. Following that, I've had difficulty sleeping full nights or falling asleep at all. I think part of it is that I'm just really excited about my life right now in a way that I haven't been for a very long time.  Scheduling is a constant rework for me. Why? Because life throws curveballs and my goals change as I learn more about themselves, the world, and what fits. The last time I reworked my schedule I did something different; I looked at what I was already doing fairly consistently. Then I looked at what times couldn't be consistent. This let me choose the best days and times for streaming on Twitch and I could already stick to much of the schedule because it was mostly what I was already doing.   I've had to tweak my exercise time due to the hot weather. As Ella Fitzgerald sang, "It's too darn hot!" I lost a week because it was up around 40C at the

Lots of updates. Last week was a bit of a tire-ing week. That was terrible and I'm not sorry about it. Declutter I took a slight detour on this goal and decluttered my balcony. I felt it was important for my mental health to have a little outdoor space and it was a quick thing. It's funny how I can dread something that ends up only taking a couple of hours.  I keep putting off listing items because I keep having things to do that take me away from home. I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. Still, I should just get them up there. I'll feel better and hopefully they won't take to long to get rid of. Goal 1: Put items up on marketplace. [July] Goal 2: Plan next steps in the declutter. Finances My tires have been changed and the winters have been stored. I felt quite unburdened after I got this done. Almost like I was finally getting my shit together. I'm not sure I can really afford the calipers right now with the Bank of Canada changing rates and su