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My Pride Journey - Part II

Image by Gordon Johnson
"Wait, so you really got to age 39 before figuring out you were gay? Are you stupid?"

Yeah, so I know a number of my friends and/or readers have probably been wondering about some things. Or maybe I just think so because I would be curious as to how someone can not know they're gay after doing a lot of sampling over the decades.

At one point, I just thought most men were terrible at sex. Or mediocre at the very least.

OK, I'm going to cross into too much information territory now.

Penetration has almost always been unpleasant for me. I've thought so many things over the years on that beyond men being awful lovers. I thought it could be because I'm petite. Or maybe because I have Sjogren's Syndrome. One partner even had me convinced I had vaginismus for a time. Or maybe it was that I had trust issues and that's why I often couldn't "arrive"?

But it was often the case for me that sex would be fine once or twice and soon I would feel revulsion towards them and towards the idea of seeing them naked ever again. I felt it best not to share that with them. 

I didn't clue into the fact that my body was literally revolting against heterosexuality and felt quite stupid about that for a while.

Another weird little clue? I really hated kissing men who had beards. If they were really smoothly shaven and I couldn't feel any stubble, it was good. In other words, if they were soft like a woman, I enjoyed it.

When I look at all the little clues, individually they wouldn't say gay, but when they're put together they paint a picture. A very gay picture. Combine that with my attraction to women and there's no doubt.

Why am I being so candid and open about this? Well, I'm part of a Late Bloomer group and I know that many people are figuring out these things even much older than I have. Too many of us have stories of trying to live as straight and struggling through similar experiences when we could have been having so much more joy and pleasure in our lives from younger ages.

So whether you're ready to come out or not, know that you aren't alone in these struggles.


Please visit my digital to-do list to see what I've been up to: https://trello.com/b/RM8yD3eq/rae-roy-general

Comments

  1. Very happy for you. There’s years of programming that are sometimes difficult to overcome, especially for those of us raised in a religious setting (Catholic in my case). Fortunately, I had one parent that wasn’t religious, so I think that helped me with a different point of view. -John H

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, John! I look forward to a time when the programming ends and people are 100% free to figure things like this out about themselves.

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