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Warning - Emo Post Ahead

I'm writing this post two days before my second meeting with the rheumatologist.

As I await news, I can't count the number of times I thought about mentioning it to friends. What would I say? "Hey guys, I'm going through this scary thing right now. I have no clue what I need right now, or really even what any of it means for my future, but just putting this out there."

When you're waiting on this kind of news though, you really don't know what to say. With a high amount of inflammation in the body, they usually check for Cancer along with other things.

I'm nervous. Anxious. I want to know, but I wonder if remaining ignorant has perks for my mental health.

I feel like if it's not my worst fear, I can probably handle it.

Regardless, life changes are ahead as some of the other possibilities include Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. It's possible I have both.

Aside from inflammation, my joints and tendons hurt. The joints ache, while the tendons feel like someone is scraping a heel down someone's shin, or gently ripping them apart. Without gloves, my cold steering wheel cripples my handles with pain. Predominately the pain is in my right ankle, right hip, and right wrist. Sometimes the rest of the joints join in. With my martial art, I started wearing padding on my shins and the tops of my feet because sitting in seiza makes me seriously tempted to consider amputation as a preferable alternative to pressing my feet into floors.

Some days the anti-inflammatory helps. Others it barely takes the edge off. And I worry what it's doing to my already sensitive digestive system.

I've also been experiencing light and sound sensitivity. That's a real joy.

All I know is that the markers for both RA and Lupus were positive. She said that didn't mean I have either of them and sent me for more testing. Will I learn anything on Wednesday or will more testing be needed again?

I don't want to be on a tabletop's worth of pills. I want to keep being active. I want children someday. I've also got a lot of stories in me yet.

On the possible upside, if they get my immune system under control, I might stop having food sensitivities.

Of course it's also possible they won't have answers and I'll be in limbo longer.

Sorry for the emo post,
R~

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