Skip to main content

Endings

There's a book I'm reading for work as part of my personal growth requirements. It's Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. I find it well-written and it's the foremost work on self-esteem.

As one might imagine, my self-esteem wasn't stellar after my divorce. Actually, it was pretty much non-existent. I spent a long time hearing how terrible I was at everything in life and how I shouldn't bother becoming a writer because I couldn't ever be as good as J.K. Rowling. Eventually I realized that was horseshit. I was skilled at managing projects. I could write well enough to convey information to different audiences. I had friends who cared about me despite not seeing them much over a period that lasted about a decade.

It didn't help that my natural inclination is to want to help people. I have had to learn that I'm not responsible for the happiness of others. They are.

And there's nothing wrong with helping others, so long as you aren't sacrificing your own happiness to do so. But I used to do that. I used to give what I had to my loved ones and I had nothing left for me.

I wasn't accomplishing my goals. I was barely writing. I was exhausted all of the time. I wasn't spending time with my friends. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I wasn't happy.

I used to be a feisty, energetic type and I had become an empty shell who smiled when she was expected to and said all the right things or nothing at all. I was a zombie, but the friendly kind that didn't eat faces and brains.

One day I woke up and realized that was fucked up. I wasn't on this earth to simply placate everyone around me. I was on it to do something with my life.

So I stopped placating. There was friction and emotional abuse and ultimately it lead to me ending my marriage. If I couldn't be myself with my partner, he wasn't the right partner for me. Both of us were miserable and now we aren't. I have zero doubt it was the right decision.

Of course I lost some friends along the way. But I regained old ones and made a lot of new ones.

Things haven't been easy since. I've had times where my debit card was declined while trying to buy groceries. But there's been far more good things than bad.

I know I've come a long way with my self-esteem or I would've just accepted an expensive car repair without bartering for a lower price. I wouldn't have called another garage to get prices. I wouldn't have called VISA to dispute charges I didn't authorize either.

My life is vastly different and at times surreal. And while I haven't accomplished all I'm aiming to yet, I'm working on my goals and I'm much happier.

Speaking of goals, Tuesday night I finished editing the second half of chapter 20, edited all of chapter 21, and got about half way through chapter 22. Chapters 23, 24, and 25 are a mess and more like outlines of chapters than actual chapters, so I'm hoping they won't be too horrible to get through. I read endings are the hardest and many authors don't spend enough time on doing them properly, so it's okay if it takes a little bit of time to do it right. With 3.5 chapters left, I'm getting pretty excited to move on to the next stage of the process.

Only a couple of chapters left. I can do this!

Ciao,
R~

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Gauntlet That Was October

I had a lot of things happen in October. I watched Frankenstein in the cemetery with friends. I had tea with a friend. I started a new sport: curling. This is really fun and I'm enjoying the level of activity it provides and all the strategic elements. I'll do a separate post on it soon. Unfortunately, soon after my first game, I came down with Covid and so did the friend who I had tea with, so I think we both caught it at the place we went to. That wasn't fun. I already posted about that. I was fortunate to be free of it in time to attend Can-Con where I took in lots of panels, saw some of the wonderful writer community, bought many new books, and volunteered to help out in the rooms. The following weekend, I went to the livestream for Danielle Allard's new album release, followed by the in person release. As part of this, she has a 6 video series that releases every Sunday on her YouTube at 1:15 PM EDT. Video number 2, Falling Into Place, is one that I feel fortunate

2023 - Week 40

I felt a touch rough on Monday. After exchanging some shoes, I needed electrolytes. The heat with the egg thing made me a bit nauseus. I had lots of fluids before having noodles for dinner. That made me feel better. When Tuesday came about, I was looking forward to what I might be learning at GSL curling in the evening. I was also excited to being on the ice as a break from the unseasonal heat. It's spooky season! It's supposed to be a cool and cuddly time. We should be wearing hoodies (or bunny hugs if you prefer). Instead, I was sweating in jeans as I simply walked from my condo building to my car. Wednesday's plan was streaming, but I also hoped to fit an exchange at Home Depot in as I got the wrong shelf size for a project. Really, my original plan for something didn't work, so I was choosing to go a different way. I did stream, but I didn't get to Home Depot. Thursday featured work followed by packing for my spooky weekend away with friends. I got my oil and my

Swamped

I've been busy. Really busy. Life: - Making food for two long weekends (Comiccon and an Iaido seminar) - Finishing my costume for Comiccon, which is in 5 days! (Carnival Punk Buffy the Vampire Slayer) - Went to On the Brink on Friday to hear authors read. Won a book and bought a Steampunk anthology. - In training this week for work (off-site) and it's an early start for me Writing: - Editing The Page & The Magician (just finished Chapter 3) - Finished a short story called The Blood Waitress Club , which is on revision 3 and I'm just waiting for feedback before I put it up on Smashwords - I've been trying to write short stories that may fit into some anthology, but I find it harder to write with some specific criteria in mind rather than coaxing the words from my soul Guitar: - We are learning a lot of songs (Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Green Day, Black Eyed Peas, Bare Naked Ladies, Simon & Garfunkel, ABBA, Ed Sheeran, The Animals, John Fogerty, Ian Thomas) - I hav